The Hug Diet!

 A Hug !

 How important is that for you?

There is enough scientific proof to prove that hugs build trust and a sense of safety. They boost oxytocin levels, which heal feelings of loneliness,isolation,anger. They lift one's serotonin levels elevating mood and creating happiness. Strengthen the immune system and help in boosting self esteem.  Help us to connect us to our ability to self love.Relax muscles,release tension. Teach us to give and receive. Teach us to let go and be present in the moment .They encourage empathy and understanding.

 Have you experienced all of these? I am sure at least one of them if not all.

An interesting thing happened two days back;

My younger one (3) was playing with the little Dinosaurs that my son has while he was away (which otherwise she isn't allowed to touch)  .The Mama Dinosaur and the Papa Dinosaur lived in a house with their 4 baby Dinosaurs. So the dinosaurs went to brush their teeth, took shower, had breakfast, prayed, then went to the park ( not to the school) they played there, came back home, had food, hugged and went to bed! I saw Papa Dinosaur hugging Mama Dinosaur ( the commentary in the backdrop)....hehehe ( thankfully I didn't see the Dinosaurs hitting each other, pulling each other's hair)

( We fight, we argue and then don't talk to each other but I never realised that those hugs have a deeper impact and are retained in our memory for a longer span of time as compared to any of the fits that I throw...That's how powerful it is! )

My deductions : Nothing gets unnoticed, unregistered no matter what age, your children are learning every single minute from you, and it must be a happy experience watching two people hug because she kept smiling while the Dinosaurs hugged.

So the next time when "Mama Papa" decide to enter the boxing ring, make sure you "hug" each other after the contest. Sometimes you might win and sometimes it will be him but your children will carry the impressions in their tiny little hearts forever.

Ending this with Virginia Satir's ( the renowned family therapist) famous saying; " We need 4 hugs a day for survival. We need 8 hugs a day for maintenance . We need 12 hugs a day for growth."

 Decide your Hug Diet !!!

Tiny bit from my Teens

Teenage! The most exciting stage in a person's life ( have no idea what the other beings of this planet have to say about this one). And it becomes all the more thrilling for a girl , if they are just two sisters , studying in an all -girls school, because suddenly not only "others" start noticing you but you begin to take notice of "others". Well, ideally it should have been in my case , but it didn't , probably because there was hardly or no interaction with the other gender of my age . Moreover, I was always the one worried about things like  1/2 a  mark silly mistake in Chemistry test , so 13 was just another number, another year, another birthday.

My neighbor who was pursuing an advanced course in Math was home during her summer break and offered to help me with the subject. I was thrilled ( yes "thrilled"  for the simple reason that I would be able to finish and practice the difficult topics much before other girls) . Didi ( that's how I used to address her ) was thoroughly impressed with my progress. A few days later, her friend's brother too joined me in the that class. Just the two of us. We got to exchange few glances whenever Didi took those cooking breaks, in between. I never liked his shoes ,dirty and jumbo sized, he almost killed me once with those when he stepped on my white bellies ( and I would never forgive him because the bow fell off). His choice of clothes was too hippy and hair was always unkempt. Since I had been the class monitor for" many many" years these were the only things I would "check" in a person. Beyond these, I had no interest.  I liked his name though  ( but then who kept an Om Shanker or Suresh for a name at least in a  generation that we were born into) . I never thought what he had to say about  my " mushroom cut " ( that's what it was called) ," Keo Karpin" smelling hair, my  " frocks" ( yes I still wore frocks till then , with lots of lace work), my white bellies, and my beloved "Yamaha RX 100 ",  not the bike, wrist watch ( promotional gift, might have been,my aunt got it for me and it was my most prized possession). We studied together, solved question papers ( and I always scored more) but our interaction was restricted to ," Hello" and " Bye". Summer break got over and so did the class.

A week after the school re-opened a girl from the "B" section came looking for me during the recess. Somebody showed her the place where I was having my tiffin . She was Bulbul, that's what her name badge read. Bulbul looked quite serious and said that she wanted me to stay back after the classes got over as it was a little urgent. I wouldn't have had, had she not added the word "urgent". I couldn't concentrate in the classes that followed after the break, was worried what if she wanted my history notebook to copy the answers that I had written after drowning myself in reference books( for which I was always applauded by the teacher). After being on the edge continuously for four classes the suspense got over when she came to my class room after the" long bell" .

Bulbul asked me , " Do you remember Karan?"

" Are you talking about the one who studied with me during the summer break at my neighbor's?"

"Yes."

" I do, in a way but not much, why, what happened?"

She meant business so without any beating around the bush said, " He wants to propose you , wants to know your response."

( okay so I didn't know what to say , but then I had to say something. )

" Can I answer that tomorrow?"

" Yes , take your time, but remember he is a nice guy."

( Really? What do I do even if he wasn't?)

I couldn't have thought of a better escape.Now how could I have told Bulbul that somebody who has always been a rank holder in class didn't know what  " he wants to propose you" meant. So I thought I would look up the dictionary once I reached home.

On reaching home, I frantically looked for the word " propose".

Here's what the Oxford  English Dictionary said:

propose verb ( proposes,proposing,proposed)1. put forward an idea or plan for consideration
2. nominate someone for an official position  3. plan or intend to do something  4. make an offer of marriage to someone.

It couldn't have been 1 ( idea or plan?).
It couldn't have been  2 ( official position?)
So did he mean 3? ( intend to do something)
It couldn't have been 4, most ridiculous of them all ( we were just 13 so obviously why would he had thought of making an offer of marriage)
Now what could have he "intended to do" was the big question , may be he wanted to study together for the upcoming examinations? Yes , he already knew I was a class topper Didi often mentioned it to him while she taught us.

Next morning , I saw Bulbul hurriedly running towards me . She wanted my answer , and I had already made up my mind the previous night,
 I said , " No."

She said , " But he is a nice guy."

"But I don't think I would still want to share my notebooks with him. I worked very hard to prepare those notes."

Bulbul looked stumped. I walked into the Assembly Hall.I never heard from Karan after that.

Few months later somebody " proposed" my best friend .
And that's how I learnt the 5th meaning , the one which superseded others . But no my only regret was adding that "notebook" bit ,why didn't I stop at that "NO" ( on second thought I would have "thought about it" had I known what it exactly meant). ....hehehe

"Middle class" Joys

Children born in the eighties, in middle class households,living in small towns rarely complained to their parents about not taking an aeroplane ride. It, rather being a complaint, was a wish because back then "leaving on a jet plane" only meant going abroad. Every family had  that one cousin in the US coming back once in 5 years to tell us the stories of the latest gadgets , fast cars, bullet trains, though my sister and I only had interests in the gift bags that they would bring ( read just the bag not the gifts because the bag would say "Chicago/ New York  Duty Free" ) which we used to neatly fold and keep for the examination days to carry our writing boards.

So like most of the girls of my age, one of the items on the post marriage checklist was " air travel".

 More than 6 months into marriage and there was no sign of "air + travel"  and I couldn't have even created a fuss because neither Dehradun ( my hometown ) nor Kanpur ( the town where I found another home ) had an airport.My married cousins had already warned me of not sharing the "wishlist" with the husband immediately after the" carnival", as per them: you never know he might think of me as a greedy, demanding wife from day one( which eventually he would but till the time one could defer it), so the trick was "one by one".

One "blessed" morning my husband told me that we would be travelling to Bombay to attend a friend's wedding and then the surprise : " we were taking a flight! " . Oh my God ! He had no idea what it meant to me obviously because he had "flown" a number of times and more so because he had no knowledge of  the secret checklist.

First, a brand new dress, then a pair of matching sandals , and with the day fast approaching, I got myself a new hair cut . The best thing was everybody thought it to be a part of the wedding preparation.

We were in Delhi and the following day was our flight,MY FIRST FLIGHT! I barely slept that night kept thinking , what if I felt nausea the way I felt on a Ferris wheel , what if I didn't get the window seat, what if i felt suffocated ?

 That Morning was one of the most eagerly awaited mornings of my life.Excitement written all over me , which he figured out soon when he saw me in a new dress ( and yes he always gets to know whenever I have something new on me even after a decade plus years of being together). As I hurried to reach for the bags he said, he wanted my two minutes . I sat next to him and that's when he told me that another friend of his would also be travelling with us , also, that he completely understood as to why  I was in that spirit but I needed to contain it because it might look a little embarrassing and childish . I responded with a "hmm".

His friend joined us exactly where our taxi dropped us . I kept reminding myself, " Be careful , he shouldn't get to know that its my first", as per the instruction that I had got. After the initial exchange of pleasantries my husband headed towards the check in counters, to find out about the departure and to collect the boarding passes ( that's what he told me ). His friend chose to stay back with me.

Here's the conversation that followed:

" Have you been to Bombay ,Vartika ?"

"Yes, and you?" ( I wanted to tell him more but ...."calm down" was all I could tell myself)

" Yes, but guess what? "

"What?"

"Can't hold back, can I tell you something, Vartika?"

"Yes,go ahead."

" I am travelling by air for the very first time."

"Really? " ( as in the longest really).....

" Yes, I am too excited , see I got a brand new shirt just for the flight."

"Oh! You know what, its my first ever too and I got this new dress ,even sandals! "

We were the happiest,luckiest beings that day on the face of the earth and then we saw my husband coming towards us .....pin drop silence ......while a rock band performing in our heads.....smiling ear to ear.

And then I told my husband " bekaar mein hi bol rahe the ki excitement matt dikhana." ( you were unnecessarily telling me to hold onto my horses , even he has never been on a plane)

We took the window seats, carefully listened to the security instructions specially, how to tighten the seat belts , took pictures, called the flight attendant at least four times, read all the magazines provided ( and then I carefully packed that plastic cutlery and kept it in my bag as a memento when my husband was napping.)


Needless to mention, it was the most memorable flight had to be, "firsts" always are .Perks of being born in a middle class family, there is so much always on that "wishlist" ! And every time a wish comes true it's a day to remember, a day to celebrate, a day that always goes down in my memoirs!

Strangers ! Connected !

We used to live in an apartment till  4 years back ,on the 4th floor, were there for 4 years ( wow,that's a lot of 4's).My daughter wasn't born then. A typical morning meant getting up at 6 am, preparing breakfast for my son and then sitting down for 15 minutes to have a mug of Bournvita and quickly flipping through the newspaper before it was time to wake him up and ready him for school. Every morning I used to pull up the curtains of the windows in the dining room which gave me a clear view of the apartments which were a few meters away from ours.  One day while sipping from the mug I noticed a woman running in the balcony , of the 4th floor of that apartment building ,quickly trying to hang machine washed clothes on the hangers ( I knew they were machine washed because even the machine was in the balcony and I could see her pulling out clothes from it).

 Next moment she was in her kitchen making rotis ( the balcony of her apartment was attached to the kitchen ,the steel "bartan" stand that adorns every middle class household was visible and it looked much bigger than mine, so I knew it had to be a family bigger than mine).It was 7 am  by the time I finished my "sipping and reading" ritual and it was time for me to go.

Next morning I hit the alarm like I always did ( wish I could only strangle it) and was back in the kitchen doing the same old things , the ones which I did every morning and finally sat with the newspaper and my mug of hot milk ,read the headlines and just looked across the window to check what that woman was doing.....there she was trying to hang the clothes on the hangers and then she went to the kitchen and the next thing I saw was rotis being made.It was 7 am again and I went back to the room to wake my son up and ready him for school.

Another morning ,but today I had something on my mind , I thought of "racing" ,yes ,racing ,"lets see who does it first, she reaching out to put the clothes on the hangers or me grabbing my mug and newspaper". I was quicker in preparing the breakfast that day and much quicker in deciding what should be packed and  later packing the tiffin box. And yes I was there, first, I beat her, she was still pulling the clothes out of the washing machine. Next was roti and I knew I had to go the room to wake my son up.

Don't know how and when, but she became my distant , mute companion in the mornings. We were together 5 days a week doing same chores , all well timed. Saturdays and Sundays, I don't know what she did because it used to be an off for my little one.

 One morning I finished my kitchen work and was at the table with the mug and the newspaper but I didn't see "her". No clothes on the hangers. I thought may be she took an off. I could have not spent more time on guessing, had to get back to the room , to ready my son .I was just not OK that day even my husband could make that out, he asked me as to why I was not my usual self and I gave him some silly explanation ( I thought he would find it sillier if I told him that I was a anxious because I didn't see "her" today).

Three consecutive mornings , and no sign of her , but I saw some "strangers" ( well she was known to me wasn't she? ) doing what she would do at that hour,hanging clothes but no rotis ( may they made them later , I could only presume). I don't know whether she ever noticed me from her balcony ( she always looked busier than me and I only remember her running from one corner to the other corner of the balcony ) but in the past few days she had almost become , a friend , who was there with me giving me company though from a distance and without her own knowledge. I never knew her absence would make me anxious and worried. I was missing her! Imagine missing someone whom you never met, never spoke a word, I can't even recall how she looked because of the distance from where I saw her .

 Unable to live with the suspense I called someone I knew who lived in the same apartment building and asked her if she knew the lady who lived on the 4th floor( I made up story, said ,wanted to know whether her children were going to the same school as my son's ,if yes we could arrange for a play date . That was one of the most absurd reasons that I could have ever thought of ,but anything to find out about her). She said that she didn't know her well but they had common house help and she would ask her to find out  and will then get back to me . Some relief , it did lower down my anxiety levels.
My friend , called in the evening and conveyed what the maid had to say," Bhabhiji maike gayi hain." ( she was not in town , had been visiting her parents)

Thank God!

Few more mornings passed , waiting for her.

And finally that morning, the morning which I had been desperately waiting for ,she was there pulling out clothes from the washing machine ( a lot of clothes, I guess because of her recent trip) , me, sipping from the mug while reading the newspaper headlines.

I never felt the need to talk to her,meet her. She was doing just what I needed, making my otherwise dull morning chores , interesting, by giving me company from a distance.

Pinch of Enlightenment ( not under the Bodhi Tree)

My husband gifted a salon coupon hamper on Valentine's day this year .
And women will be women!
If they don't get a gift they are upset!
If they get one they are wondering why this why not that
So how can I be any different, I am a woman, I must adhere to the  laws of our species.
" he never gets me", "that's so insensitive of him"...so while all this streaming in my head I thanked him for being so thoughtful.

Thoughtful?
Really?
Does he think I don't look like the woman he fell for, years back?
Does he think I need outside help  in covering up the years that were now visible on my face ?

After 6 months of telling myself I don't need these dumb facials, the middle class woman took over the age denying  mid thirties mommy.....the coupons would be losing their validity . I was required to take a prior appointment and I did so.Reached the salon on time for my very first Gold Facial,Oh! Yes , first!

I was introduced to Reshma who was to take care of me . I don't even remember the exact process but that massage on the face felt good ,the music was soothing and the place too smelt lovely.I was about to fall asleep amidst all that "white wash ", when she asked,
" What do you do Ma'am?"

( not again....I hate this one....because I still don't know how to answer it , is it even worth mentioning what I do the entire day, and  when I tried telling people as to what I did on other occasions I was told," So you are a Housewife"...I have never understood this word....
A woman who married the house?
A woman who got a house after she became a wife?
Whatever)

"Ma'am?"

" I am a housewife"

" Really ma'am ? you look like a college student!"

( and I forgot about the hatred that i have for.... what was that word?)

"No way! I have been married for 12 years"

" Wow ma'am , so do you have children?"

( one question I love to answer, one thing I love about myself the most, playing mom to my two kids)

"Yes, I have two, a boy and a girl"

"Oh my God, ma'am, nobody would believe that"

( I was smiling away to glory in my head)

She put some "batter" which she called a pack on my face and left, said ,"would be back in 10 minutes."

I was already levitating and thinking had he not given me this coupon hamper I wouldn't have come to this place( even "she" thinks I look like a college girl) , I definitely didn't need all this, at least not yet.
She came back after 15, apologising for that 5 min delay.Another round of packs followed and so the conversation which was left half way carried on:

" Ma'am next time before getting a facial done put " God Knows what" pack. "

" OK"

" You need skin rejuvenation therapy too your skin looks dull."

"Really? OK!"

" Do you use anti tan lotion because the skin around the eyes looks extremely damaged? "

" You mean sun block?"

" Even your neck is showing signs of loosening of skin due to aging."

( So she was the same girl who couldn't believe I was a mother, a couple of minutes back , the girl, who just made me feel like an 80 year old )

" Its done Ma'am.
Please do fill up the feedback form before you leave.Hope to see you again, soon."

Thanked her.Tipped her.Filled up the form.

My feedback:
Excellent service.An experience that made my day !

My feedback ( in my head):
1.The woman who entered and later left the salon was the same :ME
2. The woman who didnt look like a mom and later looked like almost a grandmom was the same:ME
3. How different set of words can make your day or break you down
4. Knowing yourself and accepting what you are is important, people have their own versions of you       as per their need ,circumstances , position and disposition
5.How you make others feel about themselves can make their day or break them down

Note to self : Be careful!!!Make don't Break!

Thank you Reshma! I shall be back for "what was that therapy?" (which woman doesn't want to look like a college pass out....hehehehe)

How was your day?

My husband and I were on a two month long work cum pleasure trip to the U.S. We were at the Universal Studios when he lost his wallet and the hyper (read highly combustible) kind of a woman that I am, became hysterical, from tying " shaitan baba ki gaanth" ( a practice that has been a part of our belief system) to reciting every prayer that I knew and learnt from Dadi  to "Our Father in Heaven", from my school. Every woman would have done the same had she been in my place because it was not about losing the Voter Id, Driving License in a foreign country but it was about losing a credit card, a debit card in a place where shopping was the only thing on my agenda ( looking back , I now realize why he didn't look perturbed, was still on all the rides even after  we discovered what had happened,the reason was similar to mine , it was not about the Voter Id , the Driving License  but about the credit cards , the shopping that I could have done with those.)

So while I sulked he looked extremely calm( am sure was jumping with joy in his head). I was grumpy all through the day.We came back to the hotel, he, tired, me, irritated.
Viola! Co-incidentally I was carrying my debit card so I asked him if he could ask the bank people to transfer some funds into my account at least that way won't get stuck up. I called it a night while he called his Bank in India asking them to block all the cards and requested for the money transfer into my account.The bank people said that they would let us know if that was even possible .

Next morning we were off to LA for the city tour.
The cabbie who showed us around went on with his commentary which I didn't find interesting at all. Showed us the place where Lindsay Lohan was brought here after she was arrested for drug abuse. He realized there was just no reaction in the taxi, must have thought that we probably had no idea who she was. He turned around and asked me,

" Did you go to the Universal Studios?"

"Yes"

 " How was your day at the Studios?"

(Oh ! I was waiting for someone to ask me that.)

 After I was done, he smiled and said , "My days are never bad , they are either good or interesting!"

Rest of the tour , we didn't talk !

We left LA two days later, were in California and there we got a call from the bank saying the request had been accepted. Before we came to LA we were in Chicago and every place I went I needed him to swipe the card and make the payments.
At store number 1,"Don't you think you have something similar to this?"
At store number 2 ," It isn't looking that good, look for something better."
 But, he never said ,"NO".

Now I had the monies!

From California we went to New York ,Philadelphia,Niagara and I shopped till I dropped while he kept coming back  to me saying ," Should I take this ?" Couple of times he tried that with a "Baby" prefixed to the request.

Well you know,already , I didn't say,"NO" ,
Just a little " Don't you think you have something similar to this" or  a " Look for something better"....hehehehe

 We came back to DC only to find his wallet, carefully Fedexed by the Sheriff at the Universal Studios to my husband's uncle's address ( the one I mentioned when I went to the "Lost and Found" section ) with everything just intact.

His cards still blocked. Me with all the money still on my card and we were flying to the UK soon.(More shopping)....hehehe

 I could only think of the Cabbie .

It's been 5 years since then and I never had a "Bad Day"....they are either "Good" or "Interesting".....touch wood....hehehe

Lesson learnt : Don't miss those fun rides because what you sometimes presume to be a  "bad day" ( time/moment) turns out to be the most interesting day of your life ! Be patient and wait for the suspense to unfurl!!

#BadDays #GoodDays #LessonsOfLife